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Carlon aka Mr Montana is a Yorkshire head who has a bit of a dirty mind. He can never the less still make some tremendous tracks. Peep out here what he had to say to when he spilled the beans...

Brit-ish: OK, can you first introduce yourself and let the readers know a bit about where you are coming from?

Fascination Records
Fascination Records - Dirty Little Snatch Cover
Carlon: I am a 24 yr old entrepreneur of fem-dom with an insatiable appetite for hip hop and comedy. I am currently the CEO of Fascination Records and have one 24 track album out in the shops thus far. 

B: Where were you born and where did you grow up?

Carlon: I was born in Hatfield, near Doncaster, South Yorkshire. Incidentally it smells of small girl’s wee wee and I hate it. But I lived there for nine years of my life until I moved to a secret location in the Notts area. I still live there now and it does remind me of France at times.

B: So is Mr Montana and Carlon Stardom two different facets of the same person? One a production persona and the other an MC persona?

Carlon: Yes, Mr Montana is my production name and my DJ name on many pirate stations. Carlon Stardom is the first persona I have unleashed on the world. It is my vocal name, the other is my beat –making, musical moniker.

B: Could you describe the mentality of each? Carlon frankly doesn't seem to give two chuffs? Is it just an act?

Carlon: Carlon gives less than two chuffs and it is not as far removed from an act as I would like to believe. Carlon is a small-time porn film maker who uses amateur equipment, real housewife models and real locations to shoot his low fi aural grot. When you listen to the album you will get that feeling of pure homemade uncensored smut. And that is Carlon Stardom – the Steve Perry of rap music. Models required. Listen to the album and feel that fly-on the wall, uncut true housewives approach. It’s real sex and sex sells. 

B: What other personas are there in you waiting to burst forth? Do you have a bit of a split personality?

Carlon: Well Carlon Stardom has another two albums about to drop then he’s moving to the US where he will pursue a career under the guise of John Magnum, a 80s porn star/producer who has a weakness for Lamborghinis, hair gel and Don Johnson suites with the rolled sleeves. The first John Magnum is based in Miami in 1984 and is packed full of brash blondes in jeans who all have a passion for diamonds.

The beats are so 80s it’s unbelievable – synths, vocoders – I’ve blown myself away by this album!

I’m also working on a double CD under my real name Matthew Thomas entitled ‘The Happiest Days Of Your Lives’ and the beats on that are on some high-pitch heaven vocal loops. Very soulful and very real. That’s a serious album and is sounding incredible, got like 30 odd tracks done but have to now pick out the real killers. That album is also radio friendly but very real – a pure summer album. Droppin in the Summer. Then there’s my final persona Doctor Venkman – a real ghostbuster who will present the world with one album based on the cheesy Horror movie genre. Can’t reveal too much but be prepared for some very sinister sounds.

B: How did you come by your names? Is Mr Montana a reference to paint? Carlon Stardom on the other hand is a very unusual moniker, there must be some weird story behind that?

Carlon: Mr Montana was a name I made up on the spot when I went along to the studios of The Big FM mid 99. I’d carried the records for a DJ on there and did mic duties for his show but didn’t have a consistent name so had to think quick. And that name was born – loosely based on Graf writing, loosely based on the icon, Tony Montana. Carlon Stardom on the other hand, came from a member of my family who misheard me when I told them about Carlton Palmer’s court case. I said ‘Carlton Palmer’ they heard ‘Carlon Stardom’ and repeated it. And that’s how that name came about – the product of a half deaf bastard who did the Peter Kaye ‘Garlic Bread??’ routine. They’re still alive but disabled.

B: Right, so how did you first get into Hip Hop, and when would this have been?

Carlon: I got into hip hop at the age of nine, from listening to National Fresh on Radio One. For those that remember, it was a one hour show on Friday night which was presented by Jeff Young. Still at school, it was such a buzz to tape all this new music that hardly anyone I knew was into. The artists who really got me into it were; De La Soul, Public Enemy, Big Daddy Kane, ATCQ, JBs……. any artists big in 1990/91. Since then it’s been all uphill – I’ve consistently followed the scene every year. Some say the modern scene is not a patch on the golden era, but I disagree. I just think that the majority of mediums most people use to hear new music are essentially ‘pop’ based sources (Radio One, MTV Networks). They push and present the mediocre side of our music, the ‘obvious’ artists ( Neptunes – every beat a slight variation on the last/ Ja Rule – trash/Nelly – ditto/The Lox/that Argos catalogue keyboard produced Ruff Ryder sound – it’s pop music. May it all burn.) For those who want to hear the quality music they need to look further than the hip hop Max Clifford that is Tim Westwood and have a dig of mixtape/independent distributors – Ruf Beats/Wolftown/Suspect Packages. Go to jams, go on the web, look for it yourself. Don’t be happy with spoon fed music placed on a plate by politically motivated Djs, seeking friendship and hugs from the people who make the records they play. By the same token though, if you like something – go buy it. Whether it be a No Limit release or an Eastern Conference 12”, if you like it listen to it. These are my opinions and not the views of this site. Or Tim Westwood

B: So, you are now from the North Notts region, one of the hot areas of a lot of untapped potential.So break it down, who are the artists in your locale you really rate? Who is going to be the next big thing from your area and surrounds?

Carlon: I’m now based in between some key areas for hip hop in the UK. Nottingham hasa thriving scene with artists such as Out Da Ville, Cappo, P Brothers etc all makin big moves. Sheffield is to the north of me and that has a whole underground scene as well as the more well-known artists such as Doyen D, Hoodz Undaground etc. In my immediate surroundings there’s quite a good hip hop following – but it is really underground. There’s one geez form my towncalled Wordsearch who is set to release a self made documentary entitled ‘Look Norf’ which will cover Notts, Sheff, Manchester, Derby. I’ve seen the finished product and some of the raw footage round at his place and it is quality. Artists on there like Out Da Ville, P Brothers, Cappo, Blood & Jones, Mr CRF, Hoods Underground, Dermo, Chester P plus much much more. I honestly think that if he can get the support, that vid could be massive. So keep ya eyes peeled and get in touch with him if you wanna know more on 07980 127505.

B: Can you break down some of what has been happening Hip Hop wise in the Notts/Sheffield/Mansfield conurbations and the surrounding areas over the last few years? What I mean is who are the local heads who have been performing, putting on shows and setting up pirate radio stations?

Carlon: All the artists I mentioned in the last question are out there now, plus a whole roster of artists on Fascination Records. Pirate radio is something that I have been involved with for about 10 years. Got my own little station Fascination FM and done many shows on various stations but at the mo you can catch the following on air : VIBE FM 88.7 (Mansfield, Sat Night), CREST FM 106.9 (Sheffield, occasionally on), SUNSHINE LIFE 106.6 (just closed but may be back). Plus me and DJ Scotty are planning big things for a new station for the Notts region. Can’t say too much but its gonna be like old times. I’ll cater for the hip hop, DJ Scotty the old skool and it’ll be tight. Watch 99.9 FM for an explosion. Any DJs who wanna get on out there, send us an e mail and we’ll sort something out. You don’t have to be brilliant, just have the energy to do it.

The major players in the pirate scene over the last decade have been Fantasy FM (Sheffield), SCR (Sheffield), The Big FM, Freedom FM, Dance FM, Kool FM, Joy FM, Fresh Fm – all based in Sheffield. Mansfield had its monumental stations like Dance Power FM, Vibe FM, Sunrise FM, Energy Rush FM, Mack FM – all classic stations. Pirate radio is set to boom once we get digital and the FM band frees up. You can all count on me. Shouts to Paul G, Jake Jay, Raz – look out for their online station. Click here to go to it - on every Saturday.

B: OK, what are the main club nights round your way? What makes a good night out for you? Would it be a night when you were performing, or do you have a better time when you go to watch acts?

Carlon: Po Na Na in Sheffield is a strong night out- plus Bed. Depends what you want – shiny or grimy? Grimy is Marcus Garvey in Nottm. Some dark nights there. Seen some acts all ova but none as amazing as me on the mic. I am particularly ruthless when I put on ‘You Can’t Touch This’ and do a sideways moonwalk past Cooplands on a weekday. I went to a NY Sushi night in Sheffield but spent tha whole night in the ladies tying to squeeze out a chair-legger onto the windowsill. Incidentally, I was arrested and cautioned for that and the inexcusable misuse of a kestrel. Rather bizarre but true.

B: What have been the best gigs you have done and why? And have there been any mad experiences you can share with the readers?

Carlon: I recently did a gig in Derby and got my van nicked from the club. I wasn’t that bothered about the van but it contained a copy of the new Carlon Stardom album which is not out till the Spring. The Police came but they were useless- Sting had stubbed his toe a couple of hours earlier and was still in a stroppy mood with everyone. So that is out there somewhere – but it’s only a draft copy, unmixed etc. I wanna do more live performances so if any promoters out there – let us come and entertain your crowds for free. E mail me to let me know the deal.

B: Is it a problem being from an area where there is, on the surface not much of a Hip Hop scene and less competition to make you raise your game? What are the bad points and what are the good things about being so far away from London where most of the UK's music business is?

Carlon: Well, the best thing is that the majority of hip hop music from London is wank. Full of fakers, copycats and crossover puffs. In the North and Midlands every artist has their own unique sound and approach to making music. Nobody follows American trends and Radio One-fuelled fashions when making their music. That might keep most of us unsigned – but so many of us up here do it for the fukkin buzz! I could reel off artists like Mr CRF, Aerosolik Records, Out Da Ville, Ruf Label…too many to mention. All unique, all starving to make product that we can feel. So many fans and artists in London have ate too much hip hop and are fat and lazy. In the North and Midlands we genuinely still love hip hop. Most southerners don’t. Your plates are too full. We have to scrounge around for hip hop , doin full time jobs all week and then makin music at the weekends. There are no bad points.

B: It is obvious that so far you have taken a certain route to stand out from everyone else? Was this intentional and what else do you have up your sleeves to make heads pay attention?

Carlon: Yeah it was definitely intentional. I just wanted to create something that you could not buy anywhere else. Something that will make you laugh and make you ashamed to listen to it. Something that you will only play when your lass is not around or you are away from a built-up area. A comedy album in the mould of League of Gentleman, Reeves & Mortimer and Monty Python, with a twist of Benny Hill and Chubby Brown. Oh, and a hint of Billy Pearce for good measure.A real silly but downright filthy album, stretched to the limit with musky scented musical forefingers. The perfect Valentines gift for that special person in your life. Or your girlfriend.

I have a new album out soon called ‘Being So Far Away From London Is Amazin (So Use Guns)’. That’s should make ‘em pay attention. The lazy gits.

B: Right, you have already dropped your Dirty Little Snatch LP on Fascination Records. Is that your debut?

Carlon: No my first album was called ‘If Only I Lived Near Peckham’ . Nah, only joshin – yeh this is my first professional album and it was recorded in January-March 2001. But in reality I actually did my first album when I was 10 years old, on a crappy tape recorder with a built-in mic. I had a Yamaha keyboard playin beats in the background while I went on about pollution and the state of the world. Political rap was big late 80s so I gave it a go. I had mates on some tracks and even mi Nanna playin the keyboard on one track! Classic material. I’ll probably release that album when I’m retired. To be honest, even though I was pre-puberty and had only just passed my English Key Stage 2, I was significantly more entertaining than Beanie Siegel. Strange.

B: I personally rated the effort. As far as demos go it was well put together and should act as a good advert for you. How did you find it putting that together on the independent tip? Was it a bit of a struggle?

Carlon: Yeah it was a big struggle. Someone tried nickin mi mixer!

Nah….it wasn’t really that hard. Because of my limited equipment I had to record all the tracks in one take then do a bit of editing later. This means that you get some of the daft gaffs and blunders kept in. In a way these inclusions made it a different album than the one I set out to do.    

B: What did you aim to achieve with that first release and do you feel you did it?

Carlon: I set out to make something which reflected my bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully this does. When I listen to it now I hear the concepts and ideas more than the quality of recording and as long as it’s approached from that angle I think it’s a unique product.

I’ve been beat making since 93 and writing raps since 1990. I used to produce beats on Octamed for the Commodore Amiga back in 93/94 and that really set me up to do something like this.

One major disappointment for me was distribution. I work a 5 day week and getting time and resources to spread this album to all corners of the country was very difficult. I had sound advice from both Dave Ruf and Disorda to focus more on actual organized audio quality rather than just splashing about 30-odd ideas onto a CD. I appreciated that advice and hope that the new album will show some progression. I still hope to maintain that homemade feeling though – that quality money can’t buy.

B: In case the readers haven't had the chance to hear your LP can you tell them a bit about it, the overall mood, the topics of the lyrics and maybe the atmosphere in which it was recorded. There must have been pure jokes...

Carlon: ‘A Dirty Little Snatch’ is a 24-track opus of comedy rhymes, funky beats and explicit subject matters. Initially planned as a contemporary jazz album, this set defines the sound of Fascination Records; a bizarre, whimsical world, where even Cocker Spaniel pups wear hair gel and dance on their hind legs to Phil Collins songs. It’s a UK album which contains references to things that you can relate to, like dancing about in Argos on a windy Sunday afternoon while shoppers look on in disgust at your naked tomfoolery.If you want to hear something totally different, then check this album.

Some of the best tracks include, ‘Open Wide (And Call Me Vince),'Walking Like Greyhounds'; an epitaph to everyone and anyone who has ever considered walking like a domestic pet, often through Miller Brothers on a Saturday for example. 'Mr Penis' offers us an insight into Carlon's deep and carefully thought out rhymestyle, with such lines as 'Mr Penis thinks his arse is like a chin', simply highlighting his clever and witty wordplay.

Other standout cuts include 'Ass To Mouth', complete with references to Toymaster and Vic Reeves, and 'Swallow My Pride' in which Carlon quite brazenly enquires about the listener's enjoyment of his wobbly John Sergeant, whilst simultaneously telling us about all the rude things he says in Asda.

Yet I did get serious for a moment, particularly on the track, 'I'm Buying Snettisham (me)', which sadly never made it to the final album. These inclusions, along with Carlon's tendancy to insult almost every woman on TV, make this album a worthy addition to any Rap fan's record box. So order it now!!

Oh and it was recorded in a very serious, Library-like atmosphere.

B: So, Mr Montana is behind the production. You got a really lovely funky sound which for me harks back to the so called 'golden age' of Hip Hop. Can you describe how you see the music you make? What can you say to make people feel where you are coming from?

Carlon: Thanks for that, yeah well I still compare most modern hip hop to the ‘golden age’, clinging to anything dooz like Prince Paul lay their fingers on. I love finding beats and making hooks – it’s so satisfying when that beat just comes through. It can make you laugh or make you cry. I really see my production as eclectic but not pretensciously so. I don’t loop my dad farting into a mic and add the sound of an Iguana slashing onto a semi-conscious dormouse for the chorus, if that’s what you mean.

I have different styles for different occasions. The Carlon Stardom production will always be funky/comical while the Matthew Thomas album shows a very soulful and magical sound, similar to early RZA high pitched vocal hooks. Then the Dr Venkman album is sample laden with horrifically scary beats and themes, John Magnum a pure 80s coke rush from beginning to end. Can’t wait to hit the world with these. Anyone wanna help out, e mail or text me on phone number.

B: What equipment did you use to make it?

Carlon: I used a 2000 spec Pentium PC, a sampler, a microphone that I got with my camcorder (the only one I had that fitted into my PC!), audio sequencing software and a pair of beltdrive decks and mixer. A collection of vinyl bigger than Lisa Riley’s arse on Boxing Day and a mixer with a 4 second punch sampler to capture them hooks.

It was a real bedroom setup but captured the sound well. Cheap as well, so I was able to knock out the CDs on my cd writer. Talk about lo-fi!! Since then I got a Yamaha Midistudio console, a Zoom Studio FX unit, a new microphone, new software, a new PC, pair of Technics, more vinyl and tons more beats. Sounding much better. Even moved studios! The all-new Fascination Records. Carlon Stardom is amazing - naked pictures of Britney Spears.

B: You achieved good results with limited equipment, but I guess those are becoming classic Hip Hop tools. What equipment would you be looking to use if money was not limited?

Carlon: I’m happy with the setup as it is now but if I could, I would have a vocoder/talkbox. I love that early 80s Zapp, Mtume sound and would like to recreate that vocal pitch. SO that could be the next investment. That or a fully kitted out vocal booth. Most of this big money spending is bollocks when the people who use the equipment are so cheap. I wonder how much Nelly’s studio cost to build and kit out? What bout Big Brovaz? Or Blazin Squad? It’s not the studio which makes the music – it’s the geez usin it. 

B: Can you talk us through how you would go about making a track? Would you start with a specific sample and beat pattern and sequence in mind, or do you sit behind the boards tapping away until something you like randomly pops out?

Carlon: I have what I call ‘Beat Tape’ sessions where I go through a load of vinyl and pick out any hooks usin my 4 sec punch sampler. I then put the hooks/songs on a TDK as I find them and also any parts of songs which have inspirational qualities. I’ve filled about 32 90 min tapes with hooks, breaks and vocals from a variety of sources. This then gives me the time to listen to the tapes in the car/home and pick out the beats that I can work with. Then it’s off to the studio and time to sample the song segments I need. Although my budget is tight, I do have an ear for a good beat and I can literally see wavelengths in my mind of the song as it plays. This enables me to recognize where the hook is in any song. I use a massive variety of vinyl too – some artists I have used on the new projects include Whitesnake, Sam & Dave, Go West, Long John Baldry, Shaking Stevens, PLUS LOADS A OTHA STUFF.

B: How do you feel about sampling in general, and more specifically sample clearance? Your music relies heavily on those trumpets and funky loops. Should your music ever reach a wider audience I fear eager lawyers may be coming after any dosh you may have.

Carlon: I feel that sampling is hip hop. That is how it began and that should be how it should stay. But you are right, I would be buggered if I went big time. Although you do hear of some stuff being exempt from copywrite or the copywrite has ran out on certain songs. My whole attitude about sampling is fuck em, if it sounds good then I will use it. I don’t care if it’s Elton John, Peter Townshend, Michael Jackson or Garry Glitter. I will use it.

Some of the best beats in hip hop have all been nicked! Check any breaks CD and hear all the originals.. US producers are sneaky gits! Dr Dre’s a right one, he claims he plays a lot of his own stuff but that’s bollocks. Nearly all of his stuff is based on breaks and other people’s music. Same for Primo, he just jiggles it about and adds a drum. His original (and best) work 90/91/92 era was all original breaks. ‘Step In The Arena’ is a classic but most beats are just nicked on there. Don’t underestimate some of the top producers.Fascination Records

B: Do you consider yourself as an MC first or a Producer? Which role do you prefer, or does it all mangle into on for you?

Fascination Records
Fascination Records - Dirty Little Snatch Flyer
Carlon: I divide my time unequally really, I make beats all the time and try to write a couple of verses a week. If that makes any sense? Usually on week nights if I aint out n about I will play with some beats and when I get the urge I’ll write a whole verse. But like any MC I am permanently writin down a few bars based on something I think of when drivin to work or whateva. I love producing and MCing. They’re both truly beautiful like Emily Symons’ tits. 

B: You don't really have any guest spots even though the Dirty Little Snatch is quite long. Is this because Carlon uses a variety of styles and voices, or do you have future plans to work with other people?

Carlon: Glad you asked that, yeah I’m currently working on other artists albums. First of all, I got this big project planned with Mr CRF, Universon, Dermo, Noz, Doyen D, Little Angry Man, Skinny9er, Wordsearch, Rez and others. We called The Snatch Squad and it’s gonna be a big posse album. I already done like 25 instrumentals and sent em out to all members. So all the music is done, all we need to do now is get together and drop the vocals. It’s got mad potential but we’ll wait and see on the outcome.

Then I’m hopin to work with Mr CRF on an EP. We goin by the name of The Animal Crackers and I did a few instrumentals for that last summer but it got all held up. Respect to CRF cos he laid his vocals but cos of work and life I never got round to finishin off my vocals. But it will come. Hold tight for some dirty, animal-based tomfoolery. Cummin at you very soon.

B: In an ideal world who would you like to work with? Any established artists?

Carlon: I would like to record a track with Nigel Buckland, so if you reading this get in touch. I have an evil idea for the video. Rapper-wise, I would like to do a track with Necro, RA the Rugged Man and Bizarre from D12. A filthy twisted collaboration in which all holes were catered for. I would also like to do a duet album with Kool Keith. It would be called ‘Goose Milk’ and would be a concept album about death and luxury cheese. All production would be shared between Prince Paul, EL-P, Mighty Mi, Ski, Mathemetics and Marley Marl. Featured rappers would include Ghostface Killah, Redman, E 40, Tash, Camp Lo and Vanilla Ice.I also wanna work with Doyen D – check for his ill album ‘Game’. 

B: Is there anyone else in your crew we need to know about?

Carlon: Of course. My current production project is for a dood called Skinny9er from Skye Edge Estate, Sheffield. He sent me a demo after my feature in HHC and I really liked his voice and flow. He works like mad on his ideas and is hungrier than Lisa Riley in Farmfoods, so I’m working on his first filthy release on Fascination Records called ‘Skinny9er Is So Slick’. Think Slick Rick, Schooly D, Devin, Too Short..that type of MC. But all in a UK style with real housewives dancing in the background, so it should be very stimulating. So that’s on its way. Then there’s some otha doods you might have heard of like Universon, Dermo, Rez from Retford? All down to make music. And of course there is the best band in the South Yorkshire region – Libawalks. They are from Doncaster and are playing live at The Spider’s Web in Donny some Tuesdays. Never forget the name. Libawalks. They owe me one. Dirty foxes.

B: Are there any other releases you have been on that people may not be aware of?

Carlon: I had a bit part on Ice Cube’s ‘Amerikkas Most Wanted’. I was the voice who said….”And now….the driveby”. I was eating a sandwich at the time and was taken aback by Sir Jinx’s insistence on wearing a Steve Bull facemask throughout the recording. I was also the panting sound on the chorus of Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’. I’d been stuck in traffic all morning and arrived at the studio a bit late. The lift was bust and you know what Vanilla Ice is like – he loves a good laugh so he’d placed a thick wall of cement on each staircase meaning that I had to climb up the side of the building to get to his studio. When I got there, he had just finished recording ‘Hooked’, a song apparently inspired from his experience with Suge Knight. The mic was turned on, I was thrown in front of it and the rest is history.

But to answer your question, no I haven’t.

B: What other projects are you working on?

Carlon: Here is full list with rough expected release dates;

  • CARLON STARDOM ‘The Great Viagra Falls’SPRING 2003
  • SKINNY9ER ‘Skinny9er Is So Slick’ SUMMER 2003 (TBC)
  • MATTHEW THOMAS ‘The Happiest Days Of Your Lives’ SUMMER 2003
  • JOHN MAGNUM ‘Cumming On America’ SUMMER 2003
  • CARLON STARDOM ‘The Full Facial’ AUTUMN 2003
  • DR VENKMAN ‘Close Your Eyes And Pray’ WINTER 2003

B: What have you learned from your recording, performing and business experiences so far? What advice would you have for anyone trying to get out there now?

Carlon: My advice would be don’t take it all so seriously. All UK acts that are tryin to break out always struggle n strive to make it big by givin it all that dark/battle stuff. Why can’t somebody just record what they want then put it out themselves? Have a laugh with it.. get a real life first then do the hip hop as a hobby. You should never sit there thinking you are gonna make loads of money from making hip hop in this country – the only way you’ll do that is by doin some cheese like Iceberg Slimm, Big Brovaz etc. I respect the artists like Black Twang/The Streets, who have made quality product and at the same time got love from the mass media. Both of their albums were dope last year – I know The Streets got his detractors but in my expert opinion, I reckon his album was better than any otha UK product last year. Just my opinion.

Oh, and never chase a priest with a badger comb.

B: At the moment, Bush and Blair are pushing forward with taking down Saddam Hussein in Iraq, even though he has been quiet for 10 years and that they have crippled the country with sanctions and continued bombing in the North and South throughout the entire time since the Gulf War. This comes on top of the Bali bomb, the overthrowing of the Taliban in Afghanistan and Muslims in Palestine (and throughout most of the world) getting a proper hammering from the Israelis and the US with our help. What are the reasons for this and how does it make you feel? What can realistically be done to help people live together?

Carlon: First of all, I don’t think that the general public ever really know what is going on – all our information is gleaned from the mass media. The information we receive is only an interpretation of true events, so when asked a question such as this, I always find it difficult to provide a clear-cut answer. Although I don’t have enough primary information to form a decisive opinion, I do feel that the American political stance on Iraq is misguided and confused. With war now almost an inevitability, I just hope that whatever military action the UN sees appropriate to use, they are both efficient and accurate in their attacks. And although the events of 9/11 will never be forgotten, I find it difficult to appreciate the logic behind carpet-bombing thousands of innocent people in reply to one organisation’s evil actions. When I’m not behind the mic and boards making funky beats, I’m a lecturer who specializes in psychology and criminology. So much of the material we cover is relevant now – humans will never get along and live harmoniously. We may curtail personal differences in personality and attitudes, but we will never all agree – that is how we are designed.    

B: Things are getting heated in the UK too. We recently had the Hackney siege, the gang shoot out battle in Birmingham in which those two girls were tragically killed. There is a Ripper style murderer in Camden leaving body parts in bin bags around his manor. What is the scoop in your area? Is there a great deal of depravation there?

Carlon: Not really. There’s a lot of strange people in the North but not that much deprivation. There’s also a strange smell of fish throughout the midlands area. No seriously, I think the government has addressed a lot of the poverty-stricken areas in the North. I was born and raised in a very rundown area of Yorkshire, where crime was rife and personal items would disappear without any getback. Like Nate Dogg’s big fat face, nobody was safe – but you roll with the punches and you make your money and get away from it all. I believe that the answer to poverty lies within the individual. YOU must make your situation change , don’t wait for Tony Blair to come to your house and lend you a fiver and a 20 deck. Gather your own nuts and berries. That’s my advice to everyone out there reading this – snuggle up to yourself and face the cameras every day. Don’t blame others – YOU can do it.

B: Does this make you at all political? I ask everyone about politics, because I think it is important that we have knowledge of what is going on, but occasionally heads decline to answer. I guess they don't want to upset anyone. Do you have anything to say on that? Any issues you think people need to open their eyes too?

Carlon: I think people need to open their eyes to the possibility of extinction. Human beings are the most self-harming, self-destructive and cynically suicidal species within the animal kingdom. We will be responsible for our own downfall and unless we take the time to address some key issues in society, then the Earth will eventually degenerate. Not in my lifetime, not in your lifetime, not in Mark Fowler’s lifetime, but eventually society will destroy itself. I only hope it’s not before Forest make it back to the Premiership.

B: If you could change something about society, what would it be and why?

Carlon: I would make Irish Dancing a compulsory GCSE subject, then go back to college and join an Engineering course. No seriously, I think that society would be better if owls were available in most petrol stations. That way, you could leave your brace of Tawnies at home and buy a few on the way to your important date with Willie Carson’s dead family members or whatever. Also, if I ruled the world, I would enforce a law which made the smoking of marijuana illegal in the UK. That way nobody would smoke it. Ever. 

B: UK Hip Hop seems to be getting a fair bit of positive press at the moment, but yet our homegrown music rarely breaks the charts and many people purely check for US material. What are the reasons for this and how can the situation be remedied?

Carlon: The reason for this is that most UK material is shit. It’s not really UK material – the beats are US, the lyrical content is US and the fakkin accent is US! Do these people have executive producers? Do they listen to their own stuff? They are shyite and shit and need to stop doing it. 90% of all chart UK hip hop is wank. Think about it – can you name a UK hip hop group that have done well in the charts and are any good? The Streets? Roots Manuva? …that’s about it. All the rest are paintings- they are shyite.

How can it be remedied? I think what I’m doing is the answer to that. My music is universal – check it out.

Fascination Records - Flyer

B: Outside your crew who are the UK artists you listen to and admire? What is it about them you like?

Carlon: Current UK artists that I admire include; The Streets (original, honest, witty), Mark B (phresh beats every time), Rodney P (the voice), Phi Life Cipha (quality music), Doyen D (up north lad with tha mic), Ruf Beats (THE NUMBER ONE UK RECORD LABEL SINCE 95!!! Big up Dave), Out Da Ville (another quality group..Notts in tha place), Black Twang (nuff said), Roots Manuva (originality every time), TY (another original lyricist), Jehst, P Brothers, Braintax, CRF, too many to list really. Old skool UK artists are like Hijack, Gunshot, Ruthless Rap Assassins, Silver Bullet, Katch 22, Krispy 3, Caveman, MC Tunes, London Posse, Mell O, Black Radical, Derek B, Duke, all them from the late 80s and early 90s.   

B: Who or what are you other influences? What do you do when you are not doing Hip Hop stuff?

Carlon: US influences would be like Prince Paul, Gangstarr, Too Short, Kool Keith, Devin, E 40, Redman, Eastern Conference, Kool G Rap, Canibus, Def Jux, Thirstin Howl III, Camp Lo, Necro,Wu Tang, Jay Z, Nas, Paul Barman….. could go on forever. I also feel a lot of comedy, Reeves & Mortimer, Ricky Gervais, Ali G, Bo Selector, Big Train, Father Ted, League of Gentleman, Harry Hill, Eddie Izzard. I would like to get into stand-up comedy but ain’t sure how to do it without being chased by Lakim Shabazz’s mam, if you know what I mean.

When I’m not doing this hip hop thing I can be found filming special ladies with their own selection of cucumber-related paraphernalia. And throughout the week I collect anything with Terry Butcher on it.

Nothing really… 

B: Where can people hear your stuff?

Carlon: You can’t hear my stuff anywhere because of the extreme offensive nature of its themes and content. The album has been described as ‘smut that would stun RA the Rugged Man’. It’s very very dark and twisted. But we’re doing some special offers on the remaining CD copies we have, so if you want the first album at a bargain price, contact me on the information below.  

B: Where can people pick up your stuff?

Carlon: Most shops have probably sold out by now but it is still in Pendulum Records, Retford. If you want a copy of the CD album at a low low price, contact me on 07860 939429. Or e mail me by clicking here. All orders are dispatched on the day of ordering and the first few customers who mention this site will get a bonus CD with over 14 unreleased Carlon Stardom tracks. Very rare, so get in touch if you want to taste our aural seed for yourself. I might put it on e bay soon also??

B: What do you make of the internet? Do you have any plans for your own online presence?

Carlon: I think the internet is full of a lot of unique people. By that, I mean so many people who are living in a dream world – a world where they can be anything they want. What makes me laugh is the sudden surge of chat rooms. Even on WAP you got little chat rooms with tha same people every night! Plus we got this apparently new breed of internet pervert – those middle-aged men with thick glasses who pose as children in the hope of luring innocent girls into their clutches. Now that’s gangsta.

As for me on the net, yeah in an ideal world Fascination Records would be on the web now but it’s just difficult holdin down a job, doin tha music, livin a life and doin some web bizznizz. I will get round to it soon.. watch ya browser for a full Fascination Records dirt site featuring the hottest fishcakes and slide-rule passes. Honest. Anyone wanna help me out get on the case. You know the numbers.

B: OK. To wind this up, what is going to be keeping you busy over the next few months?

Carlon: I’ve just got a new job, start in September and it’s quite a biggie of position so plenty of preparation needed over the summer. As I’ve already mentioned I’m working on the new projects and the new radio stations, plus a whole range of side issues that I can’t really mention. Big business.

I’m also currently digging a big hole near the A1(M) Northbound in Bawtry, so that’s gonna take a bit of my time up over the coming months.

B: What are your longer term plans and objectives?

Carlon: I plan to be the next Suge Knight, but without the criminal convictions. I want to consistently produce a product that is unique, amusing and hard. I just wanna roll the world’s biggest spliff and put it in the biff of Mandy Smith, if that’s alright? No seriously, I want to form an X Clan appreciation band and start touring local coastal towns in the search of nuggets and sweat.

It would be ideal if I could stay focused on the label and put out albums that I love, in the hope that other people will do too. I aim to get the front cover of Women’s Weekly or any other women’s magazine before I’m too old and plan to develop my skills as an elephant impersonator at Whipsnade Zoo. I also have aspirations to jazz up my image by wearing a full leather-dom outfit and going into Halfords in the hope of finding some A Team stickers for my Raleigh bicycle, if at all possible.

Apart from that, I just hope to maintain my optimistic outlook on life and love those around me. Like foxes. 

B: Is there anything else you would like to mention?

Carlon: I’d like to mention my humongous tail, which droops from my ball bag like a baby’s leg.

Oh and keep an eye on the frequency of 99.9 FM if you in the North/East Midlands area. Big things.

Finally is there anyone else you would like to mention?

Carlon: Susan Danford.

Thank you for your time.

Carlon: An absolute pleasure, keep up the good work. Sease.

Buy my album everyone.

Love you.

Hate you.

You can contact Fascination Records at:
Tel: 07860 939429
Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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